FICTION
Fun With Your New Penis

Humor by Larry Tritten

Recent advances in the technology of physiology have led to the development of three new types of penis, the MagnumPenis, the MaximPenis, and the MetaPenis. Exchanging one's penis for one of these can be done relatively inexpensively (for about as much as Austin Powers XI grossed in its second week at the box office) and the operation required is an essentially simple procedure, entailing no more post-surgical discomfort than one would feel after having one's genitalia slammed in the door of an economy-size car. These penises were developed by Dr. Mendelsohn "Lumpy" Frings, whose interest in human sexuality was formed at an early age through the influence of his babysitter, Dr. Ruth. As a student at both the Harvard Medical School and M.I.T., he did his best research in the dormitory shower room, which also resulted in the acquisition of his unusual nickname. Dr. Frings' stated goals as a high tech sexologist were to eliminate the stigma "shrinkage" and to endow the average man with a penis that would give him a whole new attitude about his lap.

The MagnumPenis bears the same relation to the MetaPenis as a fiddle does to a tuba. It has a standard length of six inches, which may not seem remarkable, but it should be pointed out that when erect one can hang three horseshoes on it without inducing any stress and in the performance of sexual intercourse it has a virtually preternatural tendency to veer toward the G. Spot and execute a series of pulsating rotary movements that have been known to make even a militant feminist begin to trill the lyrics of Stand By Your Man during the inception of orgasm. The MagnumPenis is modeled on certain of the rampant phalli depicted in the erotic drawings of Thomas Rowlandson and would make the same sort of impression in a nudist colony as an Armani suit would at a high school reunion. There is an occasional tendency for it to overheat during intercourse and sometimes emit sounds like those of a washing machine during the final stage of a spin-dry cycle, but overall it will almost certainly improve the quality of any man's sex life, including making him feel so good during masturbation that he calls out his own name during the moment of climax.

The MaximPenis was designed for the sort of man who might aptly be described as "hornier than a cattle stampede" and who would rather look at the ads in Elle and Harper's Bazaar than watch the Super Bowl. Inspiration for its design came from movie footage of GermanV-2 rockets being launched at Peenemunde. It's size (based on a study of sexual hallucinations by nymphomaniacs) makes wielding it something like handling one of those rods one uses to fish for marlin in the Gulf Stream. A slight drawback is its tendency to intimidate minimally robust sexual partners who sometimes suffer whiplash, jumbophobia (fear of size), Titanic survivor syndrome, and inability to remember the word relleno after intercourse. But these are more than offset by the MaximPenis's ability to get, in the words of one satisfied customer, "more ass than a rental horse's saddle." A number of women who had sex with men endowed with the MaximPenis were asked by their partners, "Did the Earth move for you?" and some of the answers were, "Yeah, and the moons of Uranus did a cha-cha, too," "Yep, and I think the entire female population of Baton Rouge cried 'Hallelujah!'", and, "Oh, yes, and I think there was also a meteor storm in the Virgin Islands." Having a MaximPenis greatly increases the odds in favor of one's being invited to move into a sorority house, although some men have complained that it was also responsible for their being followed home by a stranger who stood beside them at a urinal. There is another slight disadvantage of the MaximPenis, which is a cat's occasional tendency to use it as a scratching post when encountering its owner sleeping nude; but on the whole the MaximPenis will make a man's wildest sexual fantasies come true, while leaving him with only a slightly pigeon-toed gait in the bargain.

The MetaPenis is the ne plus ultra of designer genitalia. Equipped with a MetaPenis, the average man can expect to have sexual adventures that qualify as supernatural. Approximately the size of a rolled-up Sunday edition of The New York Times and modeled after the phallic monuments on the island of Delos, the MetaPenis is striking enough to make pants seem redundant. A sense of esprit de corps exists among MetaPenis owners, symbolized by the wearing of a special red beret with glans-shaped crown. Women who have encountered the MetaPenis in action have been known to subsequently react by assuming a fetal position and having to be pried open like clams, by jumping out of penthouse windows and attempting to fly to the moon, and by running with the bulls at Pamplona with an ulterior motive. The universal sentiment expressed by women who have had sex with MetaPenis-endowed men is, "I never MetaPenis I didn't like!" Legislation has been introduced in some states (mostly by feminists who claim to have had their libidos hi-jacked by the MetaPenis) to have the MetaPenis classified legally as a lethal weapon, whereas other women who have had similar experiences are commissioning a memorial in the manner of the Vietnam Wall. When a MetaPenis malfunctions (which is rarely) it has been known to register on the Richter Scale, and it has been said that reading the Owner's Manual would have caused Freud to walk into the ocean like a lemming.