FICTION
Twice as Much as Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex,
And Then Some

Humor By Larry Tritten

For tile past year or so the publishing world has been enlivened by rumors concerning the completion of a book tentatively titled Twice as Much as Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex, And Then Some by Dr. Bornholm Edelschwarz, a maverick sexologist who did his research on his own without the bureacratic drawback of institutional backing. Word has had it that Dr. Edelschwarz's book would revolutionize our sexual knowledge, just as the Kinsey Reports and the Masters-Johnson Report did in their day.

Unfortunately', Dr. Edelschwarz lost the sole manuscripts of his book by leaving it on the seat beside his in a Pussycat theatre in Hollywood when he went out to the lobby to complain that the main feature was being projected upside down. Whoever took it got all but the index, our publication of which is prompted by the conviction that by reading it one can to some degree infer the historic importance of the lost work.

INDEX

Adultery, prescribed as cure for pedophilia, 58; incidence among precocious children, 57

Anal intercourse, as result of poor aim, 66; laughter during, 94-95; cause of spontaneous arias, 67

Aphrodisiacs, use of by improvisational group The Aphrodisiactors, 44

Arroyo Vulva, Spanish resort area, always full, 2

Avalanche, described as mountain getting its rocks off, 11

Bestiality, among men who bring home the bacon, 33; by shepherd who makes ewe turn, 34

Bisexuals, Polish, who only have sex once every two months, 93

Breast feeding, lack of among cannibal women, 111; fast food wet nurse franchise for babies ---Jug in the Blouse, 112

Buggery, slang term for entomology, 45

Celibacy, suggested name for male child of couple who named daughter Chastity, 9

Censorship, sinking of off Virgin Islands, with no survivors, 108

Cervical cap, worn by vain women who are getting balled, 18

Coitus reservatus, necessity of calling in advance, 97-98

Deviations, condemned as digressions from procreational responsibility by Jesuit Organization for the Advancement of Functional Sax (OAFS), 93

Dreams, of returning to womb, being evicted, and forced to move into anus, 38; of appointment with extraterrestrial gynencologist, 39; of going to bed with nymphomaniac's shadow, 40; of retarded streetwalkers on stilts, 40

Ejaculation, average number of words in 128; words ejaculated into speech balloons in comic strips to prevent logorrhea, 129

Entomology, fancy name for buggery, 126

Erotica, defined as diet pornography, 74

Family jewels, reluctance to pawn, 64

Freud, gets poor cocaine cut with snuff, 50; failure to understand Jung generation, 51; super-ego described as "caped crusader", 82

Grafenberg Spot, as hard to find as jellyfish in Marianas Trench, 27; attempt to patent by Grafenberg, 27; stimulation of causes sensation like having ben wa balls thrown into vagina by major league pitcher, 26

Grumpy, disposition due to being ranked seventh in Snow Vhite's estimation of dwarfs, sexual prowess, 83-84

Gynecology, favorite kind of ecology among men not subscribing to Outdoor Life, 16

G Spot Remover, marketed unsuccessfully by firm Dworkin & MacKinnon, 130-132

Helping hand, use of during mutual masturbation, 114-115

Homo libidinous, earliest kind of man, 11

Intracourse, defined as masturbation, 114-115

Kissing, considered perversion by Moral Majority members who only hug the bride, 47; soul kissing considered bad style at family reunions, 47

Labia, best kind below waist, 12; three kinds in Irish women – labia majora, labia minora, and labia begorrah, 13

Lesbians, as hecklers at weddings, 107; curious about manholes, 80; Funk & Wagnalls picketed by Lesbian teachers protesting absence of distaff version of word. avuncular, 81

Mail order bride, postal regulations governing weight and dimensions of and type of clothing worn, 70-71

Male chauvinist pig latin, invention of and use, e.g., "Antway ootay uckfay, abybay?", 102

Marriage, as source of Mailer's Law (matrimony recapitulates alimony), 7

Monogamy, as symptom of disease misogyny, 124

Mons veneris, climbed by existential lechers "because it's there", 145

Old Pink, at male chauvinist pig-calling contest, 48; retrieves dildos, 48

Orgasm(s), described as physiological UFO's by women who doubt existence of, 71; driving under the influence of, 56; attempt to harness power of for use in space program, 55-58; accompanied. by administration of Heimlich maneuver to heighten intensity of, 102

Original sin, existence of doubted by nymphomaniac who claims to have tried every kind, 6

Penis, as subliminal juxtaposition of words pen & is in statement "The pen is mightier than the sword", 8

Penis envy, among female pole-vaulters, 36

Phone sex, difficulty of foreplay in, 28-29; and premature disconnection, 29

Platonic love, as euphemistic excuse for not being able to score, 31

Promiscuities, islands south of Virgin Islands, more fun to visit, 130

Prostitutes, who charge journalists by column inch, 104; semi-literate who use Liquid Paper correction fluid for birth control, 100

Reproductive organs, experiments with Wurlitzer and Seeburg produce tiny Hammond, 99-100

Sex act, use of Stanislavsky method during performance of, 38; Screen Actor's Guild card a requirement for performing, 140-141

Sex education, controversy regarding pelvic vs. oral exams for female students, 103; includes mandatory hot lunch, 104; lubrication essential for matriculation in libidinal arts career, 76-77

Sperm banks, interest rates, 90; need for automatic tellers at, 91; robbed by gang of fellatrices, 90

Trial marriage, role of all male hung jury in, 120-122

Uranus, planet with two moons, 23-24

Urolagnia, capitol of Uremia, 134-135; extreme frequency of golden showers, 136

Vagina, best place to be on Saturday night, 10

Vaginisimus, original name of D'Artagnan in first draft of The Three Musketeers, 108

Vasectomy, preventive measure insuring non-breakage of vases by removing them from premises, 60

Virginity, loss of by absent-minded women, reward offered for return of, 42; given to lover as gift, difficulty of wrapping, 43

Wet dreams, preferable to wet nightmares, 61-62

WOMB (Women Opposed to Male Births), militant feminist organization, foundation of, 4