FICTION
Pick-Up Lines For A Mathematician

By Lauren Spisak

Always take a deep breath and put on acute face and then try something like:

You and me, we should make like coincidental lines and continue forever on into space as one.

Wouldn't it be fun to pass through a lifetime of shared points together while we slowly continue towards infinity?

If this fails, which it invariably will since mathematicians are chronic infidels (I mean, how could they not be when they share the philosophy that perpendicular lines meet only once and then move on?), then take a moment to plot your next move. Try ordering him a complementary drink and then say:

Maybe our lines could intersect and we could come together (or one at a time) back at my place. You've got a nice point that I'd love for you to share (and you can pick whether you want to be horizontal or vertical).

If he's a bit obtuse, please do not try an irrational number like flashing him. He might just point out that you have an unequal set. If you have miscalculated this equation and he's really a square, don't go off on a tangent. Just make like a skewed line and pretend you never even bumped into him. And if he has an empty set, just kick him in his midpoint and throw the remainder of your drink at him. And always remember, if all else fails, just regroup and keep your eye out for a real number.